Random Thoughts

I really have not been handling life well in the last 7 days. Having my best canine friend diagnosed with a second cancer that is terminal has left me feeling a little lost and overwhelmed. I’m not someone who typically gets depressed. I get sad but function fine. I am not functioning fine. I am existing and checking the boxes that have to be checked. I am frustrated at my lack of ability to change this. I really want to go to bed and curl up. I’m exhausted and not because I’m being extra productive. I cry everyday and I just can’t stay awake. I think my brain is trying to shut me down.

I haven’t ridden my horses in over a week. There have been vet appointments and I just haven’t been able to bring myself to do it. I committed to a client to come to her house today. (I am grateful for her). I was supposed to take some of my young horses to work. I didn’t want to do it. I almost didn’t.

At the last minute I hooked up the trailer. Threw in some tack. I went to catch the young horses and they were clear at the back of the property. I literally didn’t have the energy to walk back there. So I was going to just abandon riding. Then I realized some older horses were up close. I loaded Sis. I loaded Justice. Then Quinn wouldn’t leave me alone, so I loaded him.

I still wasn’t convinced I would ride but I figured just hauling and tying would be good. I’m working on Sis for a new home and Justice always needs more outs. Quinn needs to be the best boy so he can be a replacement stallion, so just going would be good.

By the time I got there I felt a bit better. I rode Sis. She was fantastic. Even only being ridden once in the last 8 days. I even forgot her girth so I had to ride in a short loose saddle. I saddled Justice. He’s never been “dependable”. He’s been a perpetual teenager / drama queen and I have definitely have gotten off and walked him home before. He’s ten this year. I had a trainer/student ride him Sunday and he looked amazing with another rider. Something I haven’t been able to do with him. Only the third person on his back. Today, in a new place, I did 2-3 minutes of groundwork and got on him. He was steady and dependable. I decided to try to pony Quinn. I’ve never ponied off of Justice. Quinn wanted to play and had to be corrected a few times. Justice was a saint. W,T,C ponying the yearling who sometimes was not cooperative. He didn’t take a wrong step and I knew he would take care of me. It’s taken TEN years to get him there. (He will never be for sale so don’t ask). I really enjoyed him. Quinn got some work. I felt accomplished and proud. I was able to step away from the sad and enjoy the moment. My horses took care of me and proved that the consistent work pays off with TIME. There is no instant gratification. I have put enough time in that even when I wasn’t on my game, the horses had enough education to show up for me.

It also reminds that there are seasons in life and seasons with our animals. Justice had a long season of being a hot mess. Hopefully now we are on to a season of him being my go to. If I had quit on him we would have never gotten here. Sis had a season with poor handling and everyone quit on her but I didn’t and she’s turning into a pretty cool mare.

During this season of sad, I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other because quitting isn’t an option and I know joy will return. To appreciate the joy, we must experience the sad.

Just keep showing up. Even when it’s hard. Even when you don’t want to. Even when you want to quit. Even if you made a mistake. Even if you can’t see the other side. One step at a time and Father Time will keep working towards something better.